Some may call it pregnancy hormones and others may simply see it as me stressing. I am ok with both of those answers, but what I am not ok with is the inability to release the restlessness in my heart, my mind and here lately my actions.
The last few months our family has had some major changes… pregnancy, jobs, just to name a few and we are still hurdling over the financial difficulties that I have expressed over and over on this blog. I have a deep spiritual restlessness inside of me and I am so ready for the miracle. Almost to the point where I am trying to MAKE things happen. Which is never a good thing. Or a God thing. I was thinking about this and it dawned on me how much this lines up with what I am going through in my own body.
I am currently 7.5 months pregnant. It is almost mid-August and the heat is scorching hot. I cannot check the mail without literally sweating my face off. Not to mention that this is child #4. Not that I do not see pregnancy as a gift, because I certainly do, but I would be lying if I said I loved how I feel when I am pregnant. I am over it. I am ready. I have felt the presence of a newborn baby fresh out of the womb. I have experienced the first cries and the ability to nurse my child for the very first time. I have taken in all of the smells of that newborn smell (with a little help from Dreft) and I have watched that sweet baby cuddle up in my arms with its legs curled up under that sweet little tushy. And I am ready for it N O W. I am ready to meet my sweet girl. If I could skip the next 2 months, I gladly would and go straight to holding my sweet daughter.
I feel the exact same about the process of waiting on God. I am beyond ready for the miracle. So ready to see what God is going to do with this huge mountain that seems to constantly stand in our way. I am ready for the mountain to be casted into the sea and for deliverance to come once and for all. I am ready to see my God move and I want to see it now.
Why must every day feel like another waiting session? Why must it seem so dreadful some days waiting on the One that could change everything with one word.
I guess for the same reason that if my body went into labor right now, I would immediately start praying that God would stop it. Because as much as I am ready for this baby, she is not. Her body and her lungs need to develop more and her main nutrients to do so are found deep inside of this perfectly made womb that God has placed her in. He is not done creating this little girl inside of me. And as a mother who wants the best for her child, I am willing to wait. I am willing to wait through the hot sweats, the swollen ankles, the varicose veins and the abundance of hormones all because I know the outcome will be perfect when she is
R E A D Y to be born.
Which leads me to my place of restlessness. I want the miracle now, but I want the capacity in my mind, my heart and my spirit to hold the miracle that He has for me FIRST. Before He gives me the miracle, I want to be ready spiritually so that I don’t ever lose sight of the One who gave it to me. I want God to fully develop His perfect plan for my life and as much as I am having trouble being patient, I am willing to wait because I know it will be T H A T good.
Is the wait easy? HECK NO. But I am choosing to focus on the final birth of the miracle. I fully believe that tonight as I struggled to believe His goodness for my life, that He ever so kindly used this big belly of mine to softly remind me of the miracle in the process. That we all have a womb that is being knitted together by Him, for us and that the wait may be hard, but it will produce LIFE in the end.
Now if we could just get God to work on a 9 month, trimester type basis that would be great. 🙂
Until then, it’s a daily renewal. Waking up each day with the attitude of “Today Is The Day” and lying down each night letting go of all the moments when patience was not your best quality. And starting over the next day believing for the same thing from the same God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.